so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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