After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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