I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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