please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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