her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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