Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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