how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Boobs speak an international language.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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