Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
