Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize