Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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