# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
