Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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