Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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