i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
