If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
