Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
