Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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