i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
