The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
