I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Randomize
