this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
