Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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