i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize