my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
