Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
