GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
