So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
