I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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