The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize