Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize