so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
