my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
