you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
