I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize