You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
