Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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