i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
