I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
