she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
