I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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