I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
