Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
