If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
