im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
