I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
