She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
