so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
