I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
