I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
