Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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