I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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