god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
