it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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