I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
