Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
