I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
