I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
