just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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