It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
