I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
