Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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