i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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