this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
