I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
