Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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